7 Steps to Active Listening in Family Law

You might be asking yourself, what does active listening have to do with a family law attorney. I see a couple of ways in which active listening is important to the family law attorney. 1) Perhaps your relationship needs active listening by both parties to try to resolve your issues and 2) if your issues cannot be resolved you need an attorney who will listen to your needs and wants.

Not all attorneys are the same. For example, I really do not want you in my office. What I really want if for your relationship to work, but I also realize that not all relationships are supposed to work out and when that happens you need someone to guide you through the maze of your legal issues. Sometimes the issues are not complex and other times they involve very complicated issues that take a lot of time to resolve. In either case, when you are meeting with an attorney you want to feel as if the attorney is listening to you, is understanding you, and is giving you his/her undivided attention.

The steps I give below are not only for you to see if your attorney is really listening and understanding you, but also perhaps to help you become a better listener. To help you open up and not only hear, but understand where your spouse/partner is coming from.

• Be attentive – This does not necessarily mean only looking at the speaker, but actually showing interest in what the speaker is saying. Some people do this in different ways though. For example, I like to hold a pen in my hand and pretend to scribble on paper, all the while looking at the speaker. It helps me to focus on the speaker by having something to do with my hands.
• Ask open-ended questions – By asking questions that require more than just a yes or no answer you will learn more about the situation and the speaker will think you are interested in the topic.
• As probing questions – Delve deeper into what the speaker is saying. It will help the speaker open up and give you a better picture of the situation.
• Request clarification – When you do not understand get clarification.
• Paraphrase – A bit different from summarizing below but stating back to the speaker what you think you heard them say. This is also a way to get clarification because if you did not hear something correctly, the speaker will have the opportunity to correct it. By paraphrasing what you heard rather than just nodding with the occasionally “hmmm” or “yes” you show that you listened to what the speaker said.
• Listen for and observe feelings – This one may be hard for some people, but pay attention to the body language and the emotions that come from the speaker. Try to match their feelings or show that you understand where they are coming from in their feelings.
• Summarize – lastly, summarize what you heard. This is not the place for solutions, just the place to summarize what you heard. If the speaker does not correct your summary, then it would be your turn to respond or to state your own case.

You should expect your attorney or partner to give you this level of listening when dealing with something as personal as your relationship. Active listening reassures the speaker that they are being listened to and are understood.

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